February 23, 2017, Thursday

It was such a long day. I had a wedding client and I did the bride’s makeup. I was with the bride’s family from 9am until the reception ended. The family was so accommodating and they treated me and my assistant as family, well, more like VIP.

That day I didn’t have any doubts on myself. I was pretty sure that I can do it. I knew I was ready to be in a wedding. I rarely go to the ceremonies of my clients, most of the time I go to the church when I’m about to retouch for the post-nuptial photo session. But, this one is different. They really made me feel like I belong to their family and so I really didn’t want to miss the ceremonies. I was good the whole time. I knew I can be there. Until this moment right here…

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The family photo.

Just so everyone knows, I’m engaged to be married. My fiance was with my dad when they surprised me with the proposal in the airport.

When I’ve heard the host calling the family members for a photo opportunity with the couple, I was still alright because I wasn’t looking. When I saw them and they are all complete and all were so happy, I can’t help but think, “on my wedding day, my dad’s not going to be there.” I had a massive melt down right at that moment. My co-artist and my assistant pulled me out of the church to have a breather. I really wasn’t able to handle it. That was the time I thought to myself, “I thought I was ready. I was supposed to be ready. I guess I can’t be ready just yet.” So, on my wedding day, I don’t know if I will be ready. I might break down, maybe not, we really cannot tell. But one thing is for sure; my dad will not be there and it’s never going to be the same.

Since then, I told myself not to attend ceremonies just yet. I need to recover first until I can face these kinds of situations. I will just go when I need to retouch.

I always pray to the Lord that may He help me accept the fact that my dad is already gone. May He help me face these instances without breaking down. May He heal me from the inside. I am in need of total healing; emotional healing.

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