February 21, 2017, Tuesday

I had to wake up early this day. Not 6am early, more like 2am early to be in a place at 3am.

I needed to go to Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office to ask for financial help with the remaining balance in my dad’s hospital bills. Just so everyone knows, if you want your papers to be processed on the day that you decide to go, you better get there early because there are people who even sleep there just to wait for the office to open. So, instead of waking up at 2am, everyone at home were just so exhausted emotionally and physically from the past days, not to mention that I had a fever the night before, and so nobody got up early. Luckily, my bladder went full at around 4:30am and I got ready and went to PCSO.

I was there with my cousin at around 5:30am and the line was already crazy. Imagine a 3/4 basketball court with benches lined up to fit in about 100-150 persons; that court was FULL!!! If I say full, I meant people sitting on the pavement outside and people sitting on plant boxes. You have to wait until it’s your turn so you got to entertain yourself and be patient. I have already slept, ate, walked around for about a hundred times. When, finally, my dad’s name was called, I had to be in line at once. The first thing that the lady asked me was, “did the patient already got out of the hospital?” I didn’t know what to answer but as quickly as I can say it, I just said, “patay na po” [he’s already dead]. They made us wait for a little longer, about an hour and scheduled us to just return on 3rd of May. My mom just signed a promissory note in the hospital for my dad to be buried. Now was are finding other options as to how we’ll be able to pay the debts from the hospital as soon as possible.

As weak as my body may feel, my mind is just so determined to do things. When everything just felt so bad, my body started aching, my head was throbbing, my whole body was shivering, I told myself, “I have to rest.” But, rest didn’t help either. The sun was so high, I turned off my fan, I had my dad’s sweater on, and 2 blankets covering me, yet it feels like there was an air conditioning device inside all those blankets and I really feel all the pain in my body. That was when I decided to talk to my dad and pray. I apologized because I know I could have done more for him. I apologized because instead of praying with him everyday I decided to pray for him alone. I apologized because I still cannot accept the fact that he is already gone. I asked God to help me accept and get over what I am feeling right now. My dear friends, I know you’ll tell me I’m insane but right at that moment I felt a very very warm hug all over my body. I have felt that my dad is telling me something I just don’t know what it is but I felt warm. I felt God’s presence. And, I kid you not, I did sweat right at that moment.

God’s presence can be felt. God’s love and miracles can be in any form. May it be tangible or intangible, big or small, it doesn’t matter, His grace and mercy is for us. If you want to feel God’s warmth, you just need to ask.

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