February 21, 2017, Tuesday

I had to wake up early this day. Not 6am early, more like 2am early to be in a place at 3am.

I needed to go to Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office to ask for financial help with the remaining balance in my dad’s hospital bills. Just so everyone knows, if you want your papers to be processed on the day that you decide to go, you better get there early because there are people who even sleep there just to wait for the office to open. So, instead of waking up at 2am, everyone at home were just so exhausted emotionally and physically from the past days, not to mention that I had a fever the night before, and so nobody got up early. Luckily, my bladder went full at around 4:30am and I got ready and went to PCSO.

I was there with my cousin at around 5:30am and the line was already crazy. Imagine a 3/4 basketball court with benches lined up to fit in about 100-150 persons; that court was FULL!!! If I say full, I meant people sitting on the pavement outside and people sitting on plant boxes. You have to wait until it’s your turn so you got to entertain yourself and be patient. I have already slept, ate, walked around for about a hundred times. When, finally, my dad’s name was called, I had to be in line at once. The first thing that the lady asked me was, “did the patient already got out of the hospital?” I didn’t know what to answer but as quickly as I can say it, I just said, “patay na po” [he’s already dead]. They made us wait for a little longer, about an hour and scheduled us to just return on 3rd of May. My mom just signed a promissory note in the hospital for my dad to be buried. Now was are finding other options as to how we’ll be able to pay the debts from the hospital as soon as possible.

As weak as my body may feel, my mind is just so determined to do things. When everything just felt so bad, my body started aching, my head was throbbing, my whole body was shivering, I told myself, “I have to rest.” But, rest didn’t help either. The sun was so high, I turned off my fan, I had my dad’s sweater on, and 2 blankets covering me, yet it feels like there was an air conditioning device inside all those blankets and I really feel all the pain in my body. That was when I decided to talk to my dad and pray. I apologized because I know I could have done more for him. I apologized because instead of praying with him everyday I decided to pray for him alone. I apologized because I still cannot accept the fact that he is already gone. I asked God to help me accept and get over what I am feeling right now. My dear friends, I know you’ll tell me I’m insane but right at that moment I felt a very very warm hug all over my body. I have felt that my dad is telling me something I just don’t know what it is but I felt warm. I felt God’s presence. And, I kid you not, I did sweat right at that moment.

God’s presence can be felt. God’s love and miracles can be in any form. May it be tangible or intangible, big or small, it doesn’t matter, His grace and mercy is for us. If you want to feel God’s warmth, you just need to ask.

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February 18, 2017, Saturday

It was the 9th day of my dad’s death.

We went to the cemetery to pay him a visit.

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After the cemetery, I needed to go to a client.

I had to go to the client’s place and do her make up for her Junior Prom. She’s a young lady excited to attend her first prom. We started doing the makeup and her mom was there supervising everything. I was trying my best to communicate and somehow be bubbly. Then, her dad came in. He was furious to see her daughter getting ready for prom. I was surprised when he started yelling, “you really are trying me, aren’t you? I will go to your school and drag you out there. You want to be the talk of the town, huh?”

At that moment, I thought of my dad. I remembered him as a very supportive father. During my Junior Prom, he was there. He was the one who took me to the hotel and made sure that I’m gonna have a great night. He was there to pick me up after the program to make sure I had a blast. He was so supportive that he was the one who drove me to the salon to have my face made up and my hair done. He has supported me in all my decisions, may it be work-related, social, or just random craziness, he was there to support me. Then, I also remembered that I have attended a prom when I was already in college, yet he was still very supportive. He, again, drove me to the salon, to the hotel, and picked me up after. He was just there all the time.

After those yelling and threats from a father makes me think that I am very special and that I am very very blessed to have my father. I was thinking of talking to the father of my client but I just stopped myself because it might fire back at her. I just spoke to my client and told her, “just enjoy every moment of your prom.” Not all fathers are supportive after all.

My family and the brothers and sisters of my dad decided to have a small gathering for the 9th day of my dad’s death. So we had a small party for dinner with some of my cousins, uncles and aunts, my grandfather, and my nieces and nephews.

It still is better to have a family support your back whether in good times or in bad.